I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
