He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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