The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
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