Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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