note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
