Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
