you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
