I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
