I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
