They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am midnight drunk by noon
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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