before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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