I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
