i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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