I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
