Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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