What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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