alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
