Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
