i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
