I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
