Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
