I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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