Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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