if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize