I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
