Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
