Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
