everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had to cum in my sink.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
