Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
