her vagine was all disorganized.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
