Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
