Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
