Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
