I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
