What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
