Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
