I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize