Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
