so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
FUCK WHALES
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize