There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
