I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
