operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
