You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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