Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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