look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
That was an excessively violent trivia night
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You dont lie about slip and slides
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
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