oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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