They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
