Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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