FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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