I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
