someone threw a dead crab at me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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