sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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