put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone signed my nipple.
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