I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
