there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
