sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
