I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
