I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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