I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
